I have been tired, overwhelmed, angry, restless, unmotivated, and generally at odds with life.
Tired of the challenges of the small, old, unmaintained houses the Army sticks us with. So sick of appliances, showers, radiators, and . . . that work poorly. Worn out by ten long months of my husband's deployment. Overwhelmed by bones that brake; computers that won't work right; children who choose not to listen; cars that need to be maintained; the ills of an Army community that is in shut-down mode even though over 10,000 people still live here; the missing pieces of my lawn mower; seasonal viruses; the never ending drive to gymnastics class; cold, dark weather; fighting with the Army healthcare system; and in case I forgot to I mention it, this blankity blank deployment.
And Angry. Though I pretend not to be. Angry that the Army has once again hung us out to dry. Sick of deployments. Sick with worry over the fact that they've taken away our school crossing guards. Frustrated at the thought of conducting an International Move, by myself, in less than 3 months, and still not having the orders with which to do it. So, so very angry at a school system that has offered my family absolutely no support and stability over this very trying year. Violently, violently angry that my eldest daughter, amidst all the stress from the deployment that a child her age should not have to deal with, still occasionally cries herself to sleep over a teacher who choose to leave the classroom to grab the brass ring of her "dream job" three months ago. I try to understand, really I do. I know that the anger isn't always rational, but it hangs on none the less.
Restless for time to pass and the deployment to end so we can move on to better things, and for time to stand still so that day to day things can get done.
Unmotivated to do anything about any of it. After all, I don't need orders to know I need to clean-out closets, and toys, and clothes, and craft supplies, and . . . to prepare for the move. A work order list for small items of repair in the house pile up. I could certainly call them in -- it would take DAYS to deal with, but it can be done.
I'm a planner and a controller, and things have been so
very, very out of my control.
Yet . . . Steven Covey would say I can't control all of this. I can't control that the people at branch don't send out the orders. I can't control that the powers that be seem to have lost sight of the fact that so very many of us still live in this dying community. Nor can I control that the school system seems to have forgotten in its quest to "use its resources to the benefit of the whole school" that at the end of the day the school is made up of individual children.
I can only control how I respond to it. And let me tell, you it's high time I got over it.
So . . . Today I will be a happier than
a bird with a french fry.
We have some spectacular things coming up: a move to a GREAT location, an opportunity to take my children on a marvelous cruise to Egypt and Greece, less than 100 days left in this darn deployment, piles and piles of friends and family who love and support us, birds at the feeder, and 16 lilac bushes that will be blooming before I know it. I will re-find my excitement for our life -- even if I have to fake it for awhile.
I will rejoice in my healthy, bright, loving children, and the fact that even though my marvelous husband is gone from us right now, he will be returning.
And I'll get back in the cleaning out for the move saddle -- tomorrow. Today I'm refilling the bird feeder and taking my kids to a movie.
Wow you are angry. This is exactly how I felt the last few months of our stay in Germany. Now that we are back I love it but I miss my friends. Actually my family away from family. The kids are settling in but I miss the people I left behind. Enjoy your movie I took the kids to see Percy Jackson on Tuesday and they loved it. Good luck with everything and I love your attitude. Miss you, Katie and especially Holly and all of her spunk.
Posted by: Nadera | February 20, 2010 at 08:17 AM